Recently, the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy published a research paper titled, ‘Should We Take Anodyspareunia Seriously? A Descriptive Analysis of Pain During Receptive Anal Intercourse in Young Heterosexual Women‘ in which they talked about the increasing incidence of attempting anal sex in heterosexual couples (with female as receiving partner) and the pain reported by said young women. Upsettingly, almost one half of the respondents reported excessive pain (so much so that they did not continue) during their first experience of anal sex, and just over half of the respondents didn’t use lubricant during their first anal sexing.

Just over half of the respondents didn’t use lubricant.

It comes as no surprise that the incidence of painful anal intercourse were so significant, really. In fact, as a result of this painful first experience of anal sex, less than two-thirds of respondents re-attempted anal sex, and of those who did (and who reported at least two “episodes of anoreceptive intercourse” (read: buttsex) only 3.6% were free of anodyspareunia (pain/discomfort). This upsets me. More and more young women are trying anal sex but not being given the tools to go about it in a comfortable, pleasurable and safe manner.

So, let’s talk about anal and let’s talk about lubrication, okay?

The thing about your butt is that it can not lubricate itself in the same way your cunt can. It simply doesn’t happen. And you can be as aroused as you want or as in love with the giving partner as you like, but that doesn’t mean that your body will respond well to a dry cock being forced into a dry anus. In fact, this is a great way to go about contracting STIs, breaking condoms and injuring yourself.

Ladies, don’t injure yourself and don’t let some doofus with a well-meaning but un-lubricated cock injure you either. Get your butt ready to be penetrated and you will be a lot safer, and chances are you’ll actually enjoy the experience once it is devoid of pain and tearing. So, if it is your first time, the best advice I can give is to go slow. If you are anything like I was as a bolshy young woman, you’ll be scoffing at the idea that you would want to ‘go slow’ at anything; you’re eager to get to the buttsex and you know best, right? Wrong.

Sliquid Sassy

Due to the whole pesky non-lubricating nature of our butts, the first thing you need to get is some lubricant. And please, don’t just grab the tub of Vaseline from the medicine cabinet; invest in a decent lubricant and your body will thank you for it. Sliquid make a beautiful lubricant specifically with buttsexing in mind called ‘Sassy‘ and LubeXXX have a blended lubricant that contains both water and silicone that stays crazy-slick (both of these are latex-compatible and safe to use with toys of most materials, including silicone). When using a good quality lubricant, a little will usually go a long way, but when you are starting out, apply liberally and always re-apply as needed. Slippery sex is super fun sex!

Some anal sex advice-givers will tell you to pick a lubricant containing the topical numbing agent benzocaine. If you run across these types of people, please tell them the Harlot needs them to stop spreading harmful misinformation around immediately. The way to get past painful anal sex is NOT to just make it so your butt can’t feel anything. The pain is your body’s way of telling you that something potentially damaging is happening. If you remove your body’s ability to communicate that warning to you, then you run the risk of inflicting some damage. There are products that assist your butt in relaxing without removing your ability to feel. If you are super-tense and need something to help your butt chill out a little, check out something like Apronal (LubeXXX) or Adventure (Intimate Organics) – these products are loaded with pleasant smelling natural ingredients that relax the sphincter, not numb it.

Intimate Organics Adventure

So, now you’ve got your lube handy and if need be you’ve got a little something something to relax it. Next, you wanna get your butt in the mood. And that generally means getting the rest of you in the mood. So, get to foreplaying with your partner. Do all the kissing, sucking, biting, fucking, caressing and fondling you wanna do until you are nice and aroused. Have your partner explore your butt – perhaps stroking or spanking your cheeks, getting their tongue involved (aka ‘rimming’) and communicating with you the whole time; “Do you like this?” “Do you want more of that?” “Can I …”, etc. Don’t be shy about what you are and are not enjoying – the whole point of this is to be comfortable and relaxed with your partner and to do what feels good for you.

Because I doubt y’all need an essay on how to foreplay (but if you do, please say so – I’ll write it!), let’s move right along to the part where things go into your butt. Good things to start with include fingers, and slim toys. Just remember, whatever goes in there MUST HAVE A FLARED BASE. Yeah, I went all caps on that last sentence, because it is important like lube is important and you need to remember it. Speak to anyone you know who has worked in ER and I bet they’ll have some whacky stories about strange things retrieved from the insides of people because they didn’t consider how the human anatomy works and consequently lost a bottle/vibrator/lollipop inside themselves. And no, they won’t believe you when you say you inadvertently sat down/fell on it, so stop giving their Christmas party stories this much flair and USE A FLARED BASE ITEM IN YOUR BUTT. I really love Pendant (D.VICE), Bootie (Fun Factory) and Bob (LELO). All are designed to be comfortable, easy to use and super easy to clean and are my go-to beginner recommendations.

Fun Factory Bootie

When you are comfortable with well-lubed fingers or toys and you feel enthused about trying for a cock, it’s time to consider the best position to be in. Women often report that lying on their side with their partner spooning them is a nice gentle way to ease into it, and I’ve always been fond of woman-on-top anal sex, as this allows you far greater control of speed, direction and depth. Remember to eaaaaaaase into it, nice and gently and don’t forget to breathe. Take it slow. Breathe. Stop and re-apply lube to your butt and his cock if you need to. Breathe. I know I keep saying breathe, but when we don’t breathe, we tense up, and when we tense our butt up, we make it a lot harder to gently and comfortably get with the butt sex. So exhale as you or he eases his cock into your butt. If you wanna try for some g-spot stimulation, give doggy style anal sex a go, but be sure you keep communicating with your partner as this is a position that can lead to surprise pain if he accidentally thrusts too hard/fast for you (trust me, I’ve been there and done that and it left me rolling around for five minutes wishing I didn’t have a butt). And regardless of position, if it helps you to touch yourself then please, touch yourself – the combination of a cock in the arse and a hand/toy on the clit can be quite sensational for some.

Lastly, if it isn’t happening then it isn’t happening. Don’t be too hard on yourself or your partner and just do other fun things instead; vaginal penetration, oral sex, watching the latest Parks and Recreation.. whatever makes you both feel good. Put the anal sex on the backburner for now, because your butt? It’s still going to be there next time.

xLauren

PS. Unless you are butt-sexing someone you are fluid-bonded with (which means someone you already have unprotected sex with, and ideally make safe decisions around your sex life with regarding STI testing and so on), use a condom. The lubricants and relaxants I have recommended in this post are all compatible with latex and non-latex condoms.